Bonesteel
From GFWiki
- The title of this article is incorrect due to technical restrictions. The correct title is BONESTEEL.
Lance Corporal Ryan Bonesteel, U.S.M.C. is known as a force of nature. Legends are told of Bonesteel's exploits in the desert lands unfortunate enough to recieve his ire, though only legends remain because all those who cross paths with him are pounded into paste or trebucheted into the sun with a flick of a finger. In short, Bonesteel is the manliest thing that has ever walked the planet and he will effortlessly crush anyone who disagrees.
| Table of contents |
[edit]
Origins
It is theorized that humanity could not even begin to comprehend the origins of BONESTEEL, but his existence was first revealed to the community in a journal entry (http://www.gamingforce.com/forums/journal.php?action=view&amount=single&userid=13&entryid=72691) by Crash Landon.
Ryan Bonesteel. That is quite possibly the manliest name I've ever heard. I can't compete against this. I could make my trade defusing nuclear warheads with a jackhammer while flying 30,000 feet in the air, and Ryan Bonesteel would still reek of more testosterone. It is scientifically impossible for any man named "Bonesteel" to NOT be a sexual jaguar. - Crash Landon
[edit]
The Legend
Log from #gfchat, the evening of November 7, 2005 (all times in US CST, -6 GMT):
[22:25] <Pangalin> BONESTEEL [22:26] <Crash> BONESTEEL UGH [22:26] <Pangalin> I imagine that Bonesteel is actually a T-800: That his bones are literally of steel [22:30] <Pangalin> He will crush you into a pea-sized ball, then cram you into a straw. [22:31] <Crash> I live in mortal fear of Bonesteel every minute of my existence now. [22:31] <Pangalin> Then, he will travel into the past and fire your spitball-self at your child self. Out of pure spite. [22:31] <Crash> Bonesteel will be the demise of me. But this is okay because there are much more pussified ways to go.
[22:38] <BlueMikey> crash, you better steal her from bonesteel before he dies in iraq because if he dies first, then she's off the market for at LEAST two years [22:38] <Pom> bonesteel die in iraq? [22:38] <Pom> lol [22:39] <Pangalin> More like Iraq die FROM Bonesteel [22:39] <BlueMikey> yeah true, bonesteel will NEVER die [22:39] <Pom> he's actually killing iraqis with his bare hands as we speak [22:39] <Pangalin> "Oh shit, wasn't there a country here? Now there is only a hole." [22:39] <Elmoogle> They sent in Bonesteel to capture Kabul. [22:39] <Elmoogle> JUST BONESTEEL [22:39] <Pom> i heard he punched a suicide bomber through his C4 and ripped his heart out [22:39] <Bradylama> Who is Bonesteel? [22:39] <Pom> a legend [22:39] <Pangalin> 1 day later, Kabul is gone. Nothing is left but fire and tears. [22:39] <BlueMikey> how can you NOT know who bonesteel is [22:40] <Gigablah> Bonesteel created Hurricane Katrina by farting [22:40] <Pangalin> BONESTEEL IS... THE LEGEND. [22:40] <Bradylama> oic [22:40] <Crash> I am thoroughly enjoying how Bonesteel is becoming an internet hero. [22:40] <BlueMikey> someone on GFF is going to make a fortune writing a screenplay to "Bonesteel, M.P." [22:40] <Bradylama> Bad mutha [22:41] <Pangalin> Bonesteel is unable to wear shirts because his muscles are so huge that his shirts instantly burst open whenever he moves. [22:41] <Pom> i hear that saddam was actually killing people with fellow soldiers [22:41] <Pom> but then he heard bonesteel was in iraq [22:41] <Pom> and he instantly dug himself a hole to hide in [22:42] <Pangalin> The Saddam they have in custody is actually a lookalike [22:42] <Crash> Bonesteel is now a Lance Corporal. I've advised that he should stop at Sergeant because there could be no force more terrifying to new recruits than being assigned to boot camp under the watchful fury of SERGEANT BONESTEEL OF THE SCREAMING HELLCATS BATTALION U.S.M.C. [22:42] <Pangalin> The real Saddam was punched so hard he flew into the sun [22:42] <Pom> saddam was a rugged 28 year old male then he saw bonesteel and basically grew a beard and aged instantly in fear [22:43] <Crash> I actually saw his picture. [22:43] <Elmoogle> Carpet bombings were ceased in Iraq in favor of dropping Bonesteel. [22:43] <Pangalin> Basically anyone who gets near Bonesteel instantly becomes 66% weaker [22:43] <Pom> i picture the most defined jawline on earth [22:43] <Pom> he has a cosmic aura of power [22:44] <julia> and why were you in her purse [22:44] <Pangalin> Presumably Bonesteel tossed him in there after the CRUSHINATING [22:44] <Pom> no man can resist bonesteel [22:44] <Crash> Touching the picture withered my fingertips for nearly two hours. I suspect this was some long-distance soul-crushing power of his. [22:44] <Pangalin> "GET IN PURSE LIKE SISSY GIRL YOU ARE" [22:45] <Pangalin> Crash's head is now permanently oblong =/ [22:45] <Pom> the pre emptive sperm of bonesteel actually planned the normandy invasion [22:45] <Crash> CAN'T SLEEP BONESTEEL WILL EAT ME. CAN'T SLEEP BONESTEEL WILL EAT ME. [22:46] <Elmoogle> Seriously though, I imagine Bonesteel as a man who grinds his teeth so hard that veins erupt on his neck. [22:46] <Pom> bonesteel once caught a meteor with his teeth to save earth [22:46] <Elmoogle> Hernias form and explode. [22:46] <Crash> He's coming here to visit her on December 7th. I have exactly one month to live. PEARL HARBOR DAY FOR CRASH. [22:46] <Pangalin> The graves are all deceptions [22:46] <BlueMikey> jesus, a pirate in the marines who's name is bonesteel, that's frightening [22:46] <a_lurker> Crash, you have to bone Bonesteel's woman before he kills you. [22:46] <a_lurker> Otherwise it's all in vain. [22:46] <julia> ahah, exactly [22:46] <julia> 1 month to do it [22:47] <Pangalin> Just keep an eye out for unusual seismic activity [22:47] <Crash> No, she seems smitten by his powerful man-musk. Frankly, I understand why. [22:47] <Pom> I'M smitten by his man musk [22:47] <Elmoogle> Bonesteel will punch the earth so hard that Crash's penis will split in tow, rendering him incapable. [22:47] <CM2k> Clearly, we are all smitten by his name. [22:47] <Pangalin> Bonesteel's man-musk is strong enough to kill ten bears if he flexes hard enough [22:47] <Crash> HE IS BONESTEEL. I cannot compete with this raw force of nature. [22:47] * BlueMikey changes topic to '#bonesteel' [22:48] <Pom> Bonesteel doing the backstroke in the gulf caused every hurricane this year [22:48] <Pangalin> Bonesteel doesn't even need a penis [22:48] <Pangalin> He just LOOKS at you and you give birth right there [22:48] <Gigablah> he can impregnate women with his odour [22:48] <CM2k> Kind of like a flower, right pang? [22:49] <CM2k> Except, you know, more forceful. [22:49] <a_lurker> Man, I am already all over Bonesteel. [22:49] <Pom> nothing like a flower [22:49] <Pom> this is bonesteel [22:49] <Pom> a flower are you insane [22:49] <a_lurker> I'll be one of those naked ladies who throw themselves at his massive feet. [22:49] <Pom> maybe a venus flytrap that emits nuclear bombs is on the level of bonesteel [22:49] <Crash> I'd let Bonesteel fuck me. I'm not even close to gay but shit, it's not like I could stop him. [22:50] <Crash> I am so telling Melinda that her boyfriend has been risen to the status of GOD. [22:50] <Pom> above* [22:51] <Elmoogle> Tell her we all fear THE BONESTEEL. [22:51] <Pangalin> God can't touch Bonesteel [22:51] <Pangalin> God is all STOP THE KILLIN' and Bonesteel just EATS HIM [22:51] <Pom> Bonesteel solves cold murder cases in his sleep [22:51] <Pangalin> You can't kill God though so he lives in Bonesteel's gut, plotting revenge [22:51] <Crash> I am worried that she will be impregnated by Bonesteel. The unborn fetus will consume her uterus from the inside, because that is just what baby Bonesteels do. [22:52] <Pom> worth it. [22:52] <BlueMikey> then you need to impregnate her first, even if you must feel the wrath of bonesteel, to save the woman you love [22:52] <Crash> I now worship Bonesteel. Fuck this "GOD" malarkey. [22:52] <Pom> one time bonesteel tripped, that is why the earth has a tilted axis [22:52] <Pom> in my ethics class tomorrow if someone brings up god i might counter with bonesteel [22:53] <Pom> everyone after just hearing the name will be like "agreed" [22:53] <Crash> Bonesteel took a shit and made New Jersey. TRUE STORY. [22:53] <LZ> bonesteel tripped? no way, he must have stomped his foot in anger [22:53] <Pangalin> In 1054 Bonesteel was the first man in space. He left his spaceship up there and now we have a Moon. [22:53] <a_lurker> Q: Can Bonesteel do firekick? [22:53] <Pangalin> Bonesteel can do all kicks, obv [22:53] <Crash> Bonesteel can do FIRECOCK. [22:53] <CM2k> Bonesteel can summon a meteor to strike where his foot strikes. [22:53] <Gigablah> Comet Halley was due to Bonesteel's ancestor throwing a snowball [22:54] <Pangalin> Bonesteel has no ancestors; Bonesteel has always been [22:54] <Bradylama> Alpha and Omega [22:54] <julia> cm2k, sounds to me like the guy could shit his own meteor [22:54] <Diss> Ancestor? [22:54] <CM2k> Snowball more like SMALL MOUNTAIN. [22:54] <Pom> the universe was created when bonesteel yelled at the dark [22:54] <Diss> He threw it so fast it went BACK IN TIME [22:54] <Pangalin> Ancient cave paintings in Africa show a fur-clad Bonesteel eating entire dinosaurs [22:54] <Diss> In a single bite [22:54] <BlueMikey> for dessert [22:54] <LZ> the milky way is from when bonesteel slapped his bowl of milk and cereal in disgust [22:54] <Diss> Then picking his teeth with the 300ft tropical trees [22:55] <Pom> the tyranasaurus rex was actually a parasite of Bonesteel that would eat his dead skin cells [22:55] <Pangalin> Bonesteel's jaw unhinges so far that the sun is blotted out [22:55] <Pom> imagine his jawline [22:55] <Diss> Dinosaurs went extinct when Bonesteel blocked out the sun by standing up for his morning stretch [22:55] <Pom> probably the sharpest thing on earth [22:55] <BlueMikey> there actually is a black hole in bonesteel's stomach, but his stomach is so strong that even it cannot be swallowed up [22:55] <Pom> when he moves his headsideways the sharpness of his jawline causes a sonic boom [22:56] <Pom> he's only wasting time in iraq to prove that he can defeat an ideology called terror [22:56] <Pom> his warn on "thought" will be waged next [22:56] <Pom> w-n [22:56] <BlueMikey> crash hasn't talked in a while, i think he is crying [22:56] <Elmoogle> in time the word "terror" will be replaced with "bonesteel" [22:56] <LZ> bonesteel once scratched his head, and dandruff fell. aka first snowfall in the universe [22:56] <Pangalin> In truth atom bombs don't really exist, the footage actually shows Bonesteel doing chin-ups [22:57] <Crash> The government created the myth about atom bombs in the 50's to deny the existence of Bonesteel. [22:57] <Pom> Bonesteel licks his fingers and touches stars to cause supernovae [22:58] <Crash> For years, the Ethiopians have starved because Bonesteel consumes their cattle and plantlife on a daily basis. But what can they do? [22:58] <BlueMikey> bonesteel has a home outside the universe, which he can reach by stepping along the planets, or flying there if he so chooses [22:58] <Gigablah> Bonesteel tried to dig a hole and ended up splitting the continental plates [22:59] <BlueMikey> bonesteel. [22:59] <LZ> Bonesteel caused global warming because he decided that there wasn't enough water yet for his pool [22:59] <Pangalin> The Earth actually is hollow, because Bonesteel devoured the mantle and core. That was the cause of all volcanic eruptions to this date. [22:59] <Crash> Bonesteel also makes a pretty good peach cobbler. Because cobbler is just awesome. [23:00] <BlueMikey> cobbler is awesome BECAUSE of bonesteel [23:00] <Crash> Why even lie. [23:00] <Pangalin> Before Bonesteel there was no cobbler [23:00] <Bradylama> There was no before Bonesteel. [23:00] <Pangalin> No one knew what to do with peaches, they were all "what are these crappy shits" [23:00] <Bradylama> Only Bonesteel. [23:00] <Pangalin> Then Bonesteel brought WISDOM. [23:01] <vemp4> Bonesteel invented internets? [23:01] <Pangalin> Bonesteel has always been, but he has not always lived among humans. [23:01] <BlueMikey> bonesteel is the internet [23:01] <Pom> the "30 year war" was made up to cover the acts of Bonesteel in 12 seconds [23:01] <Pangalin> For millenia, Bonesteel dwelt on the dark side of the moon, fighting the menace of the nazi moon vampires [23:02] <Pangalin> He could have crushed them in seconds but he wanted a hobby [23:02] <LZ> Bonesteel was the one who made the statues on easter isle. they were made when he was but a child playing with our equivalent of play-doh [23:02] <Pom> Bonesteels chest hair could be clearcut and we would have enough lumber to build log cabins stacked ontop of eachother that would be 19 light years long [23:02] <Diss> Except his equivalent of play-doh was SOLID GRANITE [23:02] <Crash> Bonesteel perfected turning lead into gold then hid the secret deep within his gut so that man could never abuse it. Such is Bonesteel's infinite love for mankind. [23:03] <Pangalin> Bonesteel created the pyramids so he could scratch that hard-to-reach spot on his back. [23:03] <Pom> Bonesteel is currently killing races in other galaxies, however he left his shoe in the form of Italy [23:04] <Pangalin> Bonesteel no longer has a spleen, he sacrificed it so that gravity could exist [23:04] <Crash> Bonesteel gets the 50-point 7-letter opening word bonus in Scrabble EVERY SINGLE TIME. [23:04] <Pom> A new one grew back 12 hours later [23:04] <Pangalin> Instead, a small galaxy lives inside Bonesteel and produces his white blood cells [23:04] <Pangalin> Or as we call them, "souls" [23:05] <Pom> the forests of brazil are actually reminants of Bonesteel cutting his hair [23:05] <Pangalin> Bonesteel always gets 20s on his attack and initiative rolls [23:05] <Crash> Before man, a race of large, vaguely triangular monsters ruled this planet. But one glance from Bonesteel's punishing eyes rendered them forever into stone. Today we call these former titans "mountains". [23:06] <Pangalin> Earth was originally a dry desert planet but then Bonesteel coughed on it [23:07] <BlueMikey> i mean, really, we all die at the hands of bonesteel at some point, so you might as well go for it [23:07] <Pom> The earth was actually moved here because Bonesteel was playing galactic pool [23:08] <LZ> thunder is when Bonesteel cracks his back [23:08] <Pangalin> We can only assume that Saxypepper was his opponent [23:08] <Pom> Bonesteel has only had to sweat once, creating the oceans on earth [23:08] <LZ> Lighting is when Bonesteel opens his eyes [23:08] <Crash> OH shit. Bonesteel VS. Saxypepper. WHO WINS? [23:09] <Bradylama> When Moses crossed the Red Sea it was in fact Bonesteel sneezing on top of Sinai. [23:09] <Pom> the Ark was actually a childs toy of Bonesteel [23:09] <BlueMikey> Bonesteel was the very first person on a box of Wheaties [23:09] <Pangalin> Saxypepper technically won due to a trick shot but then Bonesteel erased history so it never happened [23:09] <Pom> Requesting someone creating a Bonesteel resource with all of these definitions [23:10] <BlueMikey> bonesteel deserves a wiki page [23:10] <BlueMikey> bonesteel deserves an entire wiki [23:10] <BlueMikey> wikibonesteel [23:10] <Crash> Wheaties are in fact merely detached pieces of Bonesteel's scalp. [23:10] <Pangalin> Just create the page and post the last hour of chat into it [23:10] <CM2k> Bonesteel beat Vin Diesel in an arm wrestle. The resulting victory created the black hole which now sits in the center of the galaxy. [23:11] <Crash> Vin Diesel is Woody Allen in comparison to Bonesteel's might. [23:12] <Pangalin> Vin Diesel is actually what happens when Bonesteel's genetic line is diluted several hundred times
[00:11] <Pangalin> The only reason more people don't know about Bonesteel is that people who publically speak about him tend to disappear [00:12] <Crash> Really? I never heard such a [00:12] * Crash has quit IRC (Quit: )
[10:20] <Benjamin> http://BONESTEEL.gamingforce.com [10:20] <Benjamin> win [10:21] <peeack> ahaha [10:24] <Benjamin> requesting everyone use bonesteel.gamingforce.com from now on [10:24] <peeack> agreed
[edit]
Eleo
Hates Bonesteel.
[edit]
Related Media
